Dear Spider
We have been living together for around 6 months now and I feel it’s time we had a chat. I admit compared to most of my other housemates you are something of a dream. For example you’re never late with the rent (well I’m sure you wouldn’t be if you paid rent) and you don’t eat my food. In fact you eat the things that would try to eat my food so really, you’re probably the best housemate I’ve ever had. But there are a few issues that need to be discussed. I’d like to start with your current sleeping arrangements.
While I am very very happy for you to continue sleeping in places that I will never see I would like to name a few areas that I consider to be ‘off bounds’ in the future. Firstly, the taps; obviously being a spider you don’t actually have any self awareness which means I am forced to project a personality of my own making upon you. This isn’t good because I am a somewhat paranoid person with low self esteem and can only imagine that when I turn on my taps to wash my hands and you leap out at me, you are purposely trying to humiliate me and you get some kind of sick pleasure out of watching me scream, jump back and fling hand soap everywhere. So please no more taps. This goes the same for any drawers, cupboards and shelves I use regularly as well as anywhere in my bedroom (especially my ceiling!) and my bathroom. From now on your allocated ‘sleeping areas’ are as follows: The space above my closets and anywhere in the kitchen except the fridge. I think you’ll find this to be generous amount of space considering you are tiny and I pay all the rent.
I also want to talk about movements and general comings and goings. I am not an unreasonable person, I can see how it might be necessary for you to get from point A in my house to point B in my house, and how to do that you have to move you long hairy spider legs in some kind of ordered fashion (legs 4-2-3-1 first if the internet is to be believed) but I would just prefer it if you didn’t perhaps do it in front of me. And if you must do it in front of me, please do not run!! Because, you see, unlike you I only have two eyes and mine don’t even work that well, so when I see a slightly blurry, leggy, potentially poisonous black thing moving fast across my wall even if it’s running in the opposite direction, I am forced to assume you are launching a full blown attack on me. Obviously this leaves me with no choice other than to scream, run away backwards and avoid the room I saw you in for at least 36 hours or until the fear dies down, whichever comes first. I think you will agree that we both don’t want that.
And finally: your webs. Will you please stop leaving them everywhere? It’s disgusting.
So that’s it! I am happy for you to continue staying here for free but unless you can agree to and follow the house rules above, I’m afraid I will to have to serve you with an eviction notice and I don’t want to be the one who makes things awkward between us.
Thanks,
Dani
